Series of Unfortunate Events 2: the Pluto Problem
by StupidSequel
Summary: Klaus wants to set a world record and becomes the laughing stock of the world. His family is sharply against him becoming famous. Violet builds him a spaceship so he can escape to Pluto, but that leads to more problems.
1. Just for the record

**A Series of Unfortunate Events 2: the Pluto Problem**

**Chapter 1**

(AN: Things will be a little different this time around. Since this will be a bit longer than my other fanfics, I have decided to upload in chapters instead of my usual one shot. I prolly won't do this too often. This is not the same as book 2 or book 4 onward, or after book 13. It picks up where the first movie left off in name only and is a separate continuity from the real series. I have not really gotten into the series of the books yet, but I've seen the movie. This one is an animated Disney style musical. Wherever I put brackets like this {}, that represents a musical number at that point in the film. So, let's go!)

"Look at all these people who have set records! Like, there's this one where a guy solves a Rubik's cube in 7 seconds, and a wooden roller coaster in Ohio that's 7,400 feet long, the longest in the world." Klaus was reading the Guinness Book of World Records. "I wish I could be like these people. I wanna set a record."

"Dude, what is the point of setting a record?" Violet mused. "All that gets you is bragging rights. There's the part of it where you're thinkin 'now what?' One reason I would not wanna be famous is that people will form a large hatedom and throw water bottles at you and mock you for sounding like a girl at 16 years old and wish bad things upon you. Trust me, being famous is not all it's cracked up to be." Klaus was taken aback by her harsh words, but he dismissed them.

"I don't care, ginger! I'm gonna set a record, whatever it takes," griped Klaus. Sunny chuckled like a Teletubby reading one of my fanfics. {}

Klaus went on eBay and searched for K'nex Screamin Serpent roller coasters. His intention was to build the world's largest K'nex coaster.

One bright and sunny afternoon Klaus came back with a huge stack of 40 or 50 boxes of K'nex Screamin Serpent sets. Violet face palmed.

"Oh God! Klaus, what the hell are you doing with those? Didn't you hear my warning on why I don't want you to set a record?" Violet raged.

"I wish Eric Cartman were here, yeah, he'd shut you up for good! You know, Hitler had this exact attitude about the Jews, and look what happened! The Holocaust and World War 2! Do you want to start World War 3?"

"Klaus, I think someone put your brain in backwards! Your logic is flawed." Violet held her breath for several seconds until she nearly passed out.

"Violet, what?" Klaus panicked.

"Yeah, I don't wanna be evil like Hitler. Did you know that Hitler breathed? Hitler breathed, yes, so does that make me evil since I breathe?" Violet sounded slightly amused.

So Klaus sacrificed much of his social life and built a K'nex roller coaster that went around the house. Mom and dad were supportive, but Violet tried to burn it with an arc welder. Guess what? It caused another fire! Or, that's what I would say if that really happened, but the K'ne pieces didn't so much as melt. Yep. They were non-flammable.

"Sorry I used your credit card to buy all that shit," Klaus apologized to his parents.

"That's okay. It was worth it so we could see our son design the second biggest K'nex roller coaster in the world," his mom said sweetly.

"What?" Klaus said flatly, his eyes narrowed.

"The world's largest K'nex coaster is 225 feet long. Yours is only 150 feet long, I'm afraid," his dad explained.

"Umm, dad, can I use the credit card to buy 30 more sets?" Klaus pleaded. He gave the sad puppy eyes.

"Usher," his dad replied. Klaus took that to mean 'uh sure' and used, or rather, tried to use his parents' credit card to buy more K'nex sets. He found that the credit card was maxed out. He found a dollar bill lying around and tried to jam it inside the credit card. It would not go in.

"So much for putting more money on it," he moped.

"Dad, your credit card is useless cuz it has no more money on it," he said nonchalantly.

"That's okay, you did your best," dad assured him.

"If I can't have this record, perhaps I'll try creating the world's tallest sandwich," Klaus said. "I think I'm getting hungry."

"But we need more money for things like deli meat, peanut butter, and other sandwich stuff. Hey, where's Sunny?" Violet pointed out. Sunny was hanging over their heads, asleep while her mouth hung, bitten on a rafter.

"She sleeps there now, since her crib has gotten virtually unusable, since she always wets her bed," mom explained. "Whooah!" She slipped on a wet puddle underneath Sunny. "And be careful when stepping under Sunny, she also pisses from the ceiling rafter." They put crime scene ribbons around the area.

Klaus smashed open his piggy bank. He only had 3 dollars and 37 cents. "Doh!" he grunted annoyingly.

SCENE MISSING

"Now I have enough money to buy all the groceries I want!" Klaus cheered.

"Use all your money responsibly so you don't do the same thing that you did to your dad's credit card." a walrus wearing a top hat and a monocle advised.

"Thank you Mr. Flippers," Klaus praised and then blew him a kiss. Mr. Flippers flew away, leaving a rainbow trail behind him. Violet's palm might as well have been glued to her face.

Klaus drove to the grocery store despite being only 11 years old. He bought a whole turkey, 17 packs of roast beef, some cigarettes, a gun, 58 other deli meat and 58 cheese, 34 heads of romaine lettuce, and 1 loaf of wheat bread. He paid for them with tangible cash for the first time in his life (before he _always _used a credit card). He came home and built his 50 foot tall sandwich, planning to eat it all in one sitting, since he was a glutton, and you could tell that by looking at his gut that looked like a belly snake. His parents congratulated him on building the second tallest sandwich in the world.

"I HATE BEING SECOND BEST!" Klaus screamed in bloody murder. {}

"We think you're wonderful! Falling short of world records is still amazing enough. Why not take it and call it a win?" Mom suggested.

"Yeah, you read books, why not call yourself the one who has read more books than anyone in the world?" Dad teased.

"Anything but that! I don't wanna be mocked! I'd rather be lit on fire and burn to death than be known as that!" Klaus said sharply.

After failing numerous other record attempts, including the highest fall survived from an airplane (he went to the hospital, and was even more disappointed when it wasn't the world's longest stay at a hospital), trying to build the world's largest pyramid (those stone blocks were too heavy) and ev(It's a montage, so {})en trying to make the world's largest bonfire. It turned into the world's largest forest fire. It didn't count because there were probably much larger forest fires when the dinosaurs all died out. Next, he tried reading the 'My Immortal' fanfic all the way through more times than anyone else in the world, but then he remembered that he would not be able to prove such a thing. Finally he came to his senses.

"Guess I'll have to settle for being the world's biggest book reader!" Klaus pouted. "At least I'll actually have a record!" He called the Guinness staff.

"Yes, I believe I've set a new world record, but I'm not a hundred percent sure how to prove it." he breathed in2 t3h phone.

"We have a super long quiz that has questions that cover every book ever written and it is proctored and timed. Would you like to take it?"

"Hell yeah!" Klaus seemed excited.

"All righty then. Meet us over at the Guinness World Record studio, where you will be filmed during your record attempt."

"I swear to God I'll be there," Klaus seemed excited. No, he didn't seem excited. It was the real thing. So he walked the 23 block distance over to the Guinness studio. He was instructed to go into a building that kinda resembled a classroom. He was handed a scroll that had the test on it.

"If you really have read a lot of books, you'll have no problem completing this in an hour," his proctor said. "Gong Yee Tan Pai!" The proctor signaled. Klaus worked so fast, smoke was coming from the pencil lead, just like in that one episode of Saved by the Bell. He was worried about the paper catching on fire. Let's see what the other characters are up to now, shall we?

Mr. and Mrs. Baudelaire were giving Aunt Josephine rapping lessons.

"How did I do, my homies?" she wanted to know.

"Terrible, terrible," Mr. Baudelaire said in a manner exactly like Simon Cowell.

"I can't believe you still insist on keeping up your infernal rapping that would basically kill the music industry," Mrs. Baudelaire teased.

"I know I can be a famous rapper! I wanna be famous one day!" They all could see the fire that burned in Aunt Josephine's eyes. Violet started to speak, but Aunt Josephine started rapping again.

"Yo! This be my gee in a homie west side peace gang in dem haters in dat alley way talkin - about my kin well I hate you dawgs if you think of –ing with me! That was the censored version." Violet looked like she was gonna puke.

"I bet she brushed her teeth with a bottle of jack and I bet she thinks Helen Keller talks with her hips," Sunny said in her baby talk language that only the Baudelaires could understand.

"If you keep practicing, you might pass as so bad it's good," dad remarked.

"Maybe if we exposed her to real rap music, she might experience some sort of immersion effect, like in that one episode of the Simpsons where Bart suddenly learned to speak French." Mom suggested.

"Yeah. Wait. People should not ever become famous, and you know it!" Violet scolded. Aunt Josephine's feelings were injured. She retrieved the Guinness Book of World Records and gasped at what she saw. Klaus walked in the house, smiling from ear to ear and whistling the Simpsons theme tune.

"Oh my God! I finally did it! I am officially a record holder now that I got a perfect score on that super long quiz asking about every book ever written since the Earth formed!" Klaus bragged.

"So you chose not to listen to me and became famous, eh? Well, you suck!" Violet nagged.

"Yeah! Being famous is awesome! Even better than my first kiss!" {} Klaus did a few jumping jacks to cool down. He was that warm from the excitement now that he was officially famous. He saw his entry in the Guinness Book of World Records. It said he had read 1,334,576 books during his life, more than anyone else in the world. Violet made an L shape with her thumb and index finger on her forehead. Mr. and Mrs. Baudelaire were dragging Josephine to the computer and duct taped headphones on her and forced her to listen to some rap and hip hop radio stations. Klaus wanted to get some sleep, since it would be the first day of school tomorrow.

Chapter 2 coming soon.


	2. Laughingstock

**A Series of Unfortunate Events 2: the Pluto Problem**

**Chapter 2**

Next morning, Klaus was in a dilemma. "I have no idea if I should wear long pants or shorts to school today? If it's cold right now, it might warm up later in the day, and I might need shorts. And there are no restroom breaks, which means I have to hold it for about 6 hours and 40 minutes, and thus, no opportunity to change into shorts. And if I ask for a hall pass, the teacher might say 'no.'"

When Klaus walked to his first period class, people were pointing and laughing at him and calling him names like 'bookworm,' 'Screech from Saved by the Bell,' 'mega dork' and 'nerd.' Klaus sat next to a window in every class so he could open it at any time to feel the temperature outside. When it felt warm outside, he raised his hand.

"May I please go to the restroom?" The teacher flipped a coin.

"The answer is no," she replied.

"But I have really bad diarrhea, and if I go now in here, I might shit in my pants, and it will stink really bad." Klaus lied.

"Then we can move you in the office. Is that okay?"

"On second thought, it was a false alarm." Klaus corrected himself. The assistant principal was Count Olaf. That's why Klaus hates the office so much.

Next class, he asked for a hall pass, and the teacher said no. Same thing with every other class after that (during his current events class, the teacher showed a news clip where the whole world revealed that they consider Klaus Baudelaire the laughing stock Klaus was not amused, but everyone else was). During the last class (astronomy) he finally snapped. He changed into his shorts during class and ate his pants. The teacher head-desked at his idiocity.

"Ever heard of checking the weather, Screech?" a big fat mean looking kid teased. The teacher head-desked so hard, she had become unconscious. Count Olaf entered the classroom.

"Young man, in my office! You're in big trouble, young man!" he scolded.

Klaus walked in Count Olaf's office.

"I called your parents. They're not too thrilled about your idiotic act that made your teacher slam her head on her desk so hard, she nearly died!" He was not amused. Mr. and Mrs. Baudelaire showed up.

"You're grounded for two months!" mom scolded.

So Klaus, still in his shorts, sat in his room, reading the same 300 books over and over with nothing else to do.

"Wait, why am I reading books? I'm basically the laughing stock of the world! Now there's litrally nothing to do!" Klaus laid there, sipping weak tea all day.

After his two months were up, he was taken, with his family, to the bowling alley. He really needed to take a leak (he held it for 2 months, since he was not allowed to leave his room, plus he was sipping on weak tea), but the men's room was full, and he did not wanna wait. After smoking a few cigarettes, he came up with an idea. He should disguise himself as a female. He did not want his parents to be angry at him for taking mum's hair, so he decided he should take aunt Josephine's hair and duct tape it on his head. But she might say 'no' so he decided to kill her. He took a bowling ball and dropped it on Aunt Josephine's head. No one thought anything of it. Another reason he chose Aunt Josephine is because he'd already lived through the pain of his parents dying, and he did not wanna repeat that with them, and Josephine was a better choice. Someone in one of the lanes scored a 299.

"Damn it, if I'd knocked down one more pin…" he spat. Klaus cut off Aunt Josephine's hair, duct taped it on his head, and went in the womens' restroom to piss. Everyone bought it. _Swish, _he thought.

When they picked a lane, Klaus overheard people talking and laughing at the concept of Klaus being the world's biggest bookworm and nerd. He hated it. _I should have just went with reading 'My Immortal' more times than anyone else in history. _Klaus was so bad, he got 7 gutter balls in a row, and his team was using bumpers. He could not concentrate because he knew he was the laughing stock of the world for his record. By the end, Klaus scored a 0, the worst, and Violet did the best, a 163. Sunny scored almost as high.

The Baudelaire family could not go anywhere without people laughing at the fact that Klaus was the biggest nerd according to Guinness. _I have to move to a different planet if I have to, _Klaus thought.

"Hey, Violet, I gotta ax you something. Will you build me a space ship?" Klaus proposed.

"You think money grows on trees? Think again!" Violet snapped. Klaus had an idea. He grabbed a can of beans from the freezer and downed it in one gulp. He really needed to fart almost as bad as he needed to piss at the bowling alley. He farted in Violet's face. She nearly puked on his butt.

"All right, I'll build you that spaceship if you're gonna be that way! I wish you were on Pluto for all I care! You would be the Pluto Problem!"

So Violet sacrificed her school, love, and social lives building a spaceship for Klaus and Mr. and Mrs. Baudelaire helped buy the materials after they bought a new credit card (they didn't know how to put more money on it cuz apparently jamming a dollar bill onto a credit card does not work. Remember that, readers). They were all supportive of Klaus's desire to run away.

When Violet finished the spaceship, Klaus was eager to take it for a test drive. He hopped in and mastered the controls quite easily. He checked his Solar System app on his iPhone to track Pluto's position at any point. He headed toward the dark blue dot. He had no space suit, yet he was somehow still alive. He finally landed on Pluto eventually and was happily? greeted by little critters that had tentacles, and their bodies looked like the head of Ms. Frizzle from The Magic School Bus. You may not have realized this, but Klaus still had Aunt Josephine's hair on his head.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Violet, Sunny, and Mr. and Mrs. Baudelaire had no idea where Klaus had gone (even though they saw him go up in space) and were calling out his name like a siren.

They ran into Count Olaf, who, for some reason, was at a swimming pool, trying to flirt with random young ladies, who were all repulsed by his appearance and eccentricity.

"But I'm so beautiful! Auugh!" He sighed and then cried.

"Olaf, we want to talk to you," Violet pressed.

"Oh, it's two of the children whose parents I killed, and their parents right behind them. What can I do for you?" Olaf asked in a preppy girl style tone.

"Go find Klaus and kill him. He's not allowed to be famous. Violet is right about her reason not to be famous speech. He must be around here somewhere. I don't think he left the city, since he's too lazy and can't drive yet." Mrs. Baudelaire ordered. {}

"At your service, Mrs. Baudelaire," Olaf said faithfully, and then ran off like a chicken with its head cut off. Little did they know that Klaus was all the way over on Pluto. The screen got dark around Mrs. Baudelaire's eyes as she smiled menacingly, and then her eyes faded afterward, Disney style.

*Chapter 3 will be posted either when I get reviews or whenever the hell I feel like updating, whichever comes first.*


	3. See title

**A Series of Unfortunate Events 2: the Pluto Problem**

**Chapter 3**

Long time, no see. How y'all doing? I see that I did not get 999 reviews, so let's get this show on the road.

Back at Pluto, Klaus was doing strip teases to entertain the alien life on Pluto. He also did pole dances and tore off his shirt and pants to reveal a revealing outfit underneath. The Plutonians squealed in excitement. They threw Plutonian currency at him. _What the Sam Heck am I supposed to do with this non-euro money? Aw well. I live here now, _Klaus thought. He brought a CD and put it in his boom box that he brought along. He was contently listening to random 3OH!3 music. The Plutonians looked confuzzled.

"Allow me to explain. When you listen to these songs, you're supposed to party like it's December 21, 2012." The aliens had no clue about Earth languages or customs, but they seemed to like the male revue he put on while disguised as Aunt Josephine. They especially had no clue about the significance of that date. He had an idea, but it was a long shot. He put his hands together and closed his eyes in prayer.

"Dear Lord, please give me an English-Plutonian dictionary so I can communicate. I pray this in your name. Amen." Suddenly a book fell from the sky. It was the book he prayed for. _Yes, there is a God! _He flipped through it, paying attention to the sounds, words, and grammar rules.

"Dffrrrt blleepor kaanx," he said. That meant 'let's have a party and never stop.'" From now on, until I state otherwise, all their dialogue will be typed in its English translation just because I'm too lazy to make up non-words on the spot and then make up the equivalent English translation. The Plutonians were all partying, getting drunk, and listening to more 3OH!3 songs. Klaus was pole dancing and doing lap dances with the Plutonians. _I like this new life better. Screw my family. _A terriying thought hit Klaus. He needed to go to the bathroom, but there were no toilets. He rode his spaceship all over Pluto in search of a toilet. He found none. When he got back, the Plutonians were angry at him immensely. They shouted something which translated in English as 'you better stop polluting our planet like you did yours. That spaceship releases greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, causing global warming.' _It's not my planet. I can do what I ant here. Screw the rules. I'm not a weirdo from another planet like these artards are, _Klaus thought smugly. _Besides, I'm beginning to feel a little chilly myself. _

Back home on Earth, they were having Klaus's funeral. It was closed casket because they could not find Klaus's body. They had assumed he was dead. They were not allowed to have a closed casket without a valid reason since they think dead people look beautiful lying there peacefully with their eyes closed. So Klaus's obituary stated that he was disfigured from having a hundred fifty seventeen gallons of acid poured on his face while he was slowly being boiled alive in boiling mercury. That was a lie. But no one but the Baudelaires had to know that. Olaf realized with a pang that he was secretly in love with Klaus.

Much much later, everyone forgot about how Klaus was the laughing stock of the world.

Klaus, being on Pluto, was driving his spaceship all over Pluto, purposely causing global warming. Pluto eventually turned into a giant orb of liquid water. _Yes. Now time to surf my heart out. _Klaus got out a surfboard and did not care about the millions of drowning Plutonians. They were dead. Klaus laughed. _I love being the Pluto Problem._

He exited the watery planet, thinking that everyone on Earth must have forgotten about him being the laughingstock of the world. _Since Pluto is definitely a planet, astronomers will have a hard time getting used to calling Neptune the eighth and final planet. And so will my science teacher, which means she will get tongue tied eyond belief, resulting in incredible frustration, which means I can go home early. Win win._


	4. A dire situation

**Chapter 4**

**Call me weird, please.**

When he got home, everyone was super surprised that he was alive. Especially Count Olaf. During the morning church service, the pastor was quoting a Bible passage that mentioned surviving a fatal head wound. Everybody pointed to Klaus, who apparently came back from the dead. Therefore...

"Klaus is the Antichrist. He has come to destroy all those who do not worship him." The pastor said fearfully with a hint of accusation. Klaus blinked in confusion.

"Me? But I'm just a kid. Wait, how did you know it was me and not Aunt Josephine. Oh God, my wig must have fallen off while going home from Pluto."

"It's always the one whom you least expect. And you know what else? Astronomers have found a giant ball of liquid water in the solar system just past Neptune's orbit." (this fanfic takes place before 2006). The whole congregation gasped. "This means that scientists have somehow found a way to combat the rising sea levels associated with global warming. I have interrogated them and they say they have no idea what I'm talking about it. I think they did it in their sleep." Klaus gave the shifty eye look. "Also, Pluto has mysteriously disappeared from the solar system. But we no longer have to worry about the effects of global warming, so you all can drive all you want." The whole congregation cheered.

Everywhere Klaus went, a people free circle with a 300 foot radius formed around him. People still thought he was the Antichrist. _This is all Violet's fault. Her and her non-green spaceship. _A new law had gone into effect stating that everyone was required to get at least 23 hours of sleep a night. This was because the scientists believed they had found the solution to rising sea levels in their sleep and if they could do that, what other kinds of miraculous things could they do in their sleep? Things like curing cancer, curing AIDS, solving the African food crisis, and many more.

Since everyone was awake for only one hour of the day, almost nothing was done, ever. _I have to go back into space and refreeze Pluto somehow some way._

He thought of a way, but it took some physical endurance. He snuck into a college frat party and drank a whole keg of liquor. He timed it, and then he took another drink and tried for endurance as well as speed. He wanted to drink up all the water of Pluto, take it back to Earth, piss it out, duct tape it into a ball, and send it back into space, just beyond Neptune.

He ventured out into space to go do what I just described (I hope you were listening, there's gonna be a quiz on it). He got out a drinking straw and sucked and sucked, taking in all the water he could.

He came back to Earth fatter than morbidly obese Albert. He was about ready for the biggest piss of his life. He tried the mens' room, but it was out of order. _Not again. _He then remembered that the Antichrist would be famous, and people thought he was the Antichrist, and Violet was always bitching about being famous, so there was one thing he had to do.

After he killed Violet, he duct taped her hair onto his own head and he went into the girls' bathroom to relieve himself. Once again he was Mr. Karma Houdini because everybody thought Violet was just asleep under this new law. When he relieved himself, he realized he had forgotten that he was gonna freeze his urine and take it to outer space to form the new Pluto. Now all his piss was in the sewer. And what's worse, this made the sea levels rise a few thousand feet because Pluto is so much bigger than Earth. _I gotta drink all this water real quick to save the whole planet from drowning. _So he did. Faster than you can say 'mew.'

He took Violet's spaceship down past Neptune's orbit, but it was easier said than done because he had to go to the bathroom really bad. He decided to go a little further just to be sure it would be frozen. _Now._ He pissed out an entire planet, but since Pluto is the smallest planet, it did not take long. Except that Klaus was pissing out an ice ball larger than Jupiter. What will happen to Jupiter's coveted Jovian status now?

He went back to Earth. There was no water left. In fact, there was no one on Earth alive, except for Count Olaf. _I'm sorry everybody. I let you down all bcause of selfishly caring about Pluto. And since Olaf and I are both males, how are we gonna repopulate the Earth?_

"I have something to confess," Count Olaf stated. "I am actually a drag king." As if he had read Klaus's mind. _So we can repopulate the Earth after all. _After having 45 billion children, Olaf demanded that they each spit in where all the bodies of water used to lay, and hello again, all the waters of the earth.

Heh, whaddaya know, no quiz after all! w00t!


End file.
